The phrase "you couldn't write it" or "you couldn't script it" is used to describe a true-life story that’s so incredible it seems like a work of fiction. People use the phrase to express disbelief that a factual event is so improbable that it would be impossible to make up or write about. However as our books show, such factual events and stories can be written about. They can be scripted too! And two of our books, plus another of the stories from one of them, are so incredible that scripts for a film and a television comedy drama are being written based on them. And if you like astonishing true-life stories - and you've got a broad sense of humour - you’ll absolutely love them!
*The description, sample titles, and extract from Goldilocks And The Three Bare Arses shown here contains extremely strong language and adult humour that some may find offensive. Though most will probably find it absolutely hilarious! Likewise the meme at the bottom of the page!!
Everyone’s Got A Story To Tell
Imagine being woken up in the middle of the night by an ‘itchy’ feeling at the top of your leg and when you scratch it you can’t feel yourself scratching, and no matter how hard you scratch you still can’t feel yourself scratching your leg. Then when you look down you realise why. You’re not scratching your leg. You’re scratching the head of an 18ft python that’s swallowing you alive and has swallowed you right up to your hips.
Imagine being a thirteen year old boy and you come home from school and your dad asks you to go to the shop to get some flowers for your mum and when you come back you find your dad hanging at the top of the stairs with a rope around his neck. Dead. Having hung himself knowing that you’d be the one that would find him. And if you were happily married with three great kids and you were successful, with a good job, and financially secure, and had no worries in life, what could cause you to feel totally worthless and useless to anybody and make you feel so low that it forces you into bouts of deep depression that are absolute torture and that you struggle to get out of? These two stories give an insight into what it’s like to suffer with your mental health.
Imagine walking into Harrods and spending £65,000 on a sofa, £3,000 on a rug, £7,000 on a coffee table - that you put on top of your £3,000 rug! - £15,000 on a bed, £3,700 on a cardigan for your ten year old daughter, and £4,000 on baubles for the Christmas tree! And you give your wife a £70,000 a year handbag allowance. Welcome to the world of the super-rich.
Imagine being forced to watch as a loved one is shot dead in front of you and then two weeks after burying them you open your front door one morning and see their corpse propped up against a wall outside your house. It’d be pretty horrific wouldn’t it? Now imagine how it must feel to be forced to watch not just one loved one being shot dead in front of you but being forced to watch as every single member of your family - including your wife, your kids, your grandkids and your mum and dad - are shot dead in front of you, and then seeing ALL their corpses propped up against a wall outside your house when you open your front door one morning. Well that’s what can happen if you cross the Mexican Drug Cartels.
And can dogs really sense danger and know when something bad is going to happen like it’s said they can? One woman who was sceptical they could now think’s differently after her dogs began howling and wailing one night seconds before her husband was killed in a road traffic accident.
And parents often say that if anyone ever harmed their kids they’d kill the person responsible and make them suffer. Though in reality most parents wouldn’t do it. But one parent did do it. And not only did he make the perpetrator suffer he made him suffocate. By burying him alive.
And you’d think that Cancer Research UK would be grateful for ANY donations wouldn’t you? Not so. As one man found out when CRUK turned his donation down. It’s all about “image” apparently. (Funny that. Because we, like most other people, thought it was all about raising money to find a cure for a horrible disease that causes nothing but misery and suffering for millions of people and their families.) And will one in two of us - half the world - REALLY get cancer like CRUK claim or are they just scaremongering? You can make your own mind up after reading this shocking story and the revealing statistics that go with it.
And imagine living in a country which in just one year had over 3,000 allegations of police corruption. Even worse, imagine that of those 3,000 allegations only half of them were investigated. And imagine that in that same country the police not only used the powers they had to crack down on criminals but they also used them to crack down on anyone who dared speak out against them. And what must it be like to live in a country where police officers deal in heroin, cocaine, cannabis, amphetamines and all kinds of other drugs, and abuse the powers they have for sexual gratification, i.e. they bully or coax suspects and witnesses - and sometimes victims - into having sex with them. Just what sort of country would that be? Well shockingly, it’s Britain. Not that some people would be shocked. Namely those who have suffered police abuse or have been stitched up by them.
And would you be able to keep a straight face if you worked on reception at A&E in your local hospital and a half naked man hobbled in with a cucumber wedged in his anus and when you asked him how it got there he said that he was making a salad in the nude and dropped the cucumber and slipped and fell on it and it got stuck up his bum!
There’s an old saying that everyone has got a book in them. But it is just that, a saying. Because in reality most people would struggle to write a few pages let alone write a complete book and fill it with stories that would make it interesting from beginning to end. However even though most people would struggle to write a complete book, everyone, no matter who they are or what walk of life they come from, has got at least one story they could tell that someone else would find interesting or be amazed by, be it funny, sad, moving, inspiring, terrifying or bizarre. This book contains such stories - quite astonishing stories, told in their own words by ordinary everyday people. Though their stories are far from ordinary. And they don’t happen every day.
From the frightening to the fascinating to the wonderful and the weird, and from the horrific to the hilarious to the heartbreaking and the inhumane, the stories will have you crying, cringing, wincing, wailing and lost for words.
Includes the controversial story The More Illegal Immigrants That Drown In The Channel The Better, People Are Sick To Death Of Them Coming Here. The author was arrested because of this story but won his case after complaining to the Crown Prosecution Service about his arrest and in the disgraceful manner he was; five police officers turned up at his house early on a Sunday morning and dragged him out in front of his wife and kids. Full details are in the story You Wait Eight Days For A Copper To Come And Then Five Turn Up At Once - No Such Thing As Two-Tier Policing? Really… And at the request of both families, also included is the tragic story Regret - How A Moment Of Rage Left One Man Dead, Left Three Kids Without A Dad, And Shattered The Lives Of Two Families. Regret is now being adapted into a television drama.
Goldilocks And The Three Bare Arses
During a discussion at school about what parents did for a living the teacher asked one boy what his dad’s job was and the lad said, "My Dad runs the local fire station. He's the station officer." The teacher said, "That’s excellent Simon. Your Dad’s got a very responsible job.” The teacher then asked the boy sat next to him what his dad did and the boy said, “My dad drives an ambulance. He’s in charge of the local ambulance service.” And the teacher said, “That’s fantastic Bobby. Well done.” The teacher then asked another boy what his dad did and the boy replied, “My dad runs the local prison.” And the teacher said, “Excellent, Johnny! Is he the prison governor?” And Johnny said, “No Miss - he's the hardest cunt in there!"
The first time I was sent to jail I took it really badly. I refused to eat or drink. I lashed out and spat and swore at anyone who came near me. I threw chairs and tables around the room. I even smeared my own faeces all over the walls. After that we never played Monopoly ever again in our house!
I was driving down the road the other day with my wife and my two kids and there was a bin lorry in front of us and all of a sudden this huge dildo fell out of the back of it and bounced off the windscreen and the kids shouted, “WOW! What was that Dad?” Embarrassed, and not wanting to tell them what it really was, I said, “It was just a flying insect.” To which my youngest replied, “Was it? I'm surprised it could get off the fucking ground with a cock that big!”
They were just jokes. Obviously! Which relate to stories in the book. Though Billy has been in prison. And a huge dildo didn’t really fall out of the back of a bin lorry and bounce off Billy’s windscreen as he was driving behind it with his wife and kids. And his youngest didn’t say that either. Though if Billy was driving behind a bin lorry with his wife and kids and a huge dildo fell out of the back of it and bounced off the windscreen Billy’s youngest probably would come out with something like that!
Written by true-life story and adult humour writer Billy Graham, Goldilocks And The Three Bare Arses is the most outrageous adult humour book ever written. Not many people have led the kind of life that Billy has led. Not many would want to either! And very few people have seen and done the things that Billy has seen and done. And throughout it all Billy has taken the same attitude; laugh about it. No matter the situation. And if you like a laugh and a joke yourself and you’ve got a broad sense of humour - an extremely broad sense of humour! - then this is the book for you. Though no doubt some will take offence. Including Prince Andrew if he reads what Billy says about him and his kiddie fiddling pal Jeffrey Epstein in the story The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round And When The Bus Stops A Paedophile Gets On!
Billy’s book is shockingly funny. And a script for a television comedy drama based on it is now being written. It’s also in memory of Ethan – another young life gone too soon (see extract below.) As Billy’s old pal Bernard Manning once said, “Don’t take life too seriously. Have a laugh and a joke. Because if you don’t you’ll lead a very miserable life.” How very true.
Story titles include
My Dad Was Suicidal When I Caught Him Wanking
Polly Put The Kettle On. And When It’s Boiled Pour It All Over Your Husband’s Bollocks!
Hickory Dickory Dock, My Wife Sliced Off My Cock
One Finger One Thumb A Fist Up The Bum (And Be Careful When Taking The Michael Out Of A Mate Called Barry Moore When Your Kids Are Around)
Old Mac-Donald Had A Cannabis Farm
Strangeways Here We Come
Winny The Poo Farted And Followed Through And Shat All Over His Honey. He Thought It Was Hilarious And So Did His Mates But His Honey Didn’t Think It Was Funny!
The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round And When The Bus Stops A Paedophile Gets On
You’ve Called Your Dog Gary Glitter? Yes, He Loves Playing With Kids!
How To Scare Your Kids Shitless At Bedtime (It’s A Dad Thing)
Snow White And The Seven Well Hung Dwarfs
Reality Television? I’d Rather Sandpaper My Balls
I’m A Celebrity! You’re Also A Tight Cunt!!
Excuse Me, Do You Know Your Husband’s Fly’s Are Undone And Half Of His Cock’s Hanging Out?
Don’t Be A Pete. If In Doubt Don’t Fuck About. Get To The Doctors And Get Your Prostate Checked Out. A Finger Up The Arse Is Better Than A Nail In Your Coffin (Like Pete Ended Up Having In His)
Can You Spare A Multi-Millionaire A Pound Please
If a tramp asked you if you could spare him a cigarette and after you kindly gave him one he took £200 out of his pocket and gave it to you what would you think? Or if you saw a homeless man sat in a shop doorway and you gave him a bit of loose change and he got up and gave you a handful of £20 notes how would you react? And imagine just how elated you'd feel if you were up to your eye balls in debt and were about to be evicted from your home and a Good Samaritan came along and cleared your rent arrears for you and paid off all your debts and then paid for you and your two kids to go to Disney World in Florida. Well those scenarios - and dozens more like them - have actually happened. And the ‘tramp’ and the 'homeless man' and the Good Samaritan are one and the same person.
Whilst driving his car one day, Adam Gleeson pulled onto a pay and display car park near Oxford, and as he walked towards the machine to get a ticket he noticed a man sat in a Bentley Continental, a car that’s worth around £150,000, parked in the bay next to the machine. And as Adam was getting his ticket the man got out of the Bentley and asked him could he spare him a £1 so he too could get a ticket. Adam started laughing and jokingly said to the man, “Are you taking the piss?! You’re driving a car like that and you’re tapping a quid off me!”
The man explained that he’d left his house without his wallet and didn’t have any change for a ticket and so Adam thought well it’s something we’ve all done, left the house without any money, and he gave the man a pound coin so he could get a car parking ticket. And the man thanked him. Put his hand in his pocket. Took two £50 notes out. Gave them to Adam - along with his £1 coin back - and got in his Bentley and drove off!
It transpired that Adam had just past one of Tom’s - the driver of the Bentley - ‘kindness tests’ that he sometimes does where he rewards people for showing kindness and generosity towards others. It also transpired that Tom was a multi-millionaire worth in excess of £100 million and who one day realised that he’d never get around to spending all the money he’s got, so he started giving it away - to complete strangers in bizarre and unusual ways. Leaving them totally bewildered into the bargain.
From sending hundreds of pounds inside Christmas cards to people he’s never met, to hiding wads of cash inside newspapers on the London Underground for people to find - and leaving it hanging out of cash dispensers for people to take, to clearing a single mum’s debts and paying for her and her two young daughters to go on a dream holiday to Disney World in Florida which totalled over £10,000, to taking another family he'd never met before out on his yacht for the day in Majorca and then paying for their holiday too, which amounted to over £5,000. He's also put a homeless man up in a hotel in Brighton for a week and kitted him out in hundreds of pounds worth of new clothes, and thrown $100 dollar bills - the equivalent of a week’s wage - out of his hotel window in Thailand to local Thai people on the street below!
Tom also tells of why he once gave a woman in Tesco's a £100 because she sneezed, carried a nurse's shopping to her car for her and then gave her £250, bought an elderly couple an expensive plasma television in Curry's, how he goes into shops and hides money inside clothes and books for people to find when they buy them and take them home, why he paid for fifty people’s MOT's at a garage, and how he asked a road sweeper if he believed in the saying “where there's muck there's money” and then watched as he dived into his own litter bin after he told him he'd just thrown a thousand pounds in it!
Bizarre? Slightly Odd? Maybe. Does Tom's generosity brighten up people's day and put a smile on their faces? Definitely. And to Tom that's all that matters. And it's one of the most remarkable true stories you'll ever read.
A script for a film / television adaptation based on the book is now being written.
Extract from ‘Dementia, Mum, And Me – A Son’s Story’ from the book Everyone’s Got A Story To Tell…
“My mum had a tough life. She brought us up single handedly and worked all the hours god sent to make sure we never missed out. And even after me and my sister flew the nest my mum continued to work. She was looking forward to retiring and spending time with the grandkids, who she absolutely adored, and doing some of the things she’d always wanted to do. Then two years into her retirement she found out she had dementia.
It doesn’t seem fair does it. And it isn’t fair. Because not only does dementia rob you of your future and all the things you had planned, it also robs you of your past and robs all the memories that you had of it: All the things you’ve done. All the things you’ve seen. All the people you’ve met. All the people you know - family, friends, neighbours, work colleagues etc. And all the good times you’ve had. Eroded.
I read a book by a woman who was diagnosed with dementia when she was only fifty nine. And in it she likens dementia to a thief that comes in the night and steals memories and thoughts from your mind. And the thief keeps coming back every night stealing more and more memories and thoughts until they’ve all gone. And then once the thief has gone and taken all of a person’s memories with them a demon then starts coming and starts planting bad and unpleasant thoughts in their mind. The bad thoughts then start to take over and gradually wear the person’s brain down until it eventually stops working.
And that pretty much sums dementia up.
It also wears the person’s loved one’s down too. And it’s equally bad for them watching it happen. It can be worse in fact. Because a loved one can see the thief and the demon at work, but there’s absolutely nothing they can do to stop them. All they can do is watch. And suffer. Just like their mum, dad, husband or wife is suffering.
Towards the end there were times when I went into my mum’s and saw her fast asleep on the bed in the back room (we’d turned the downstairs into a mini flat because she could no longer make it upstairs to the bedroom) and looked at her and thought, “You know what. You’d be better off dead.” And it crossed my mind on more than one occasion to pick the pillow up and suffocate her with it. If you’ve seen someone suffer like I saw my mum suffer you’ll know where I’m coming from. If you took your kids pet hamster to the vets and they said it was suffering they’d put it down. Likewise the family dog or cat. Yet they’ll stand by and let a person suffer - and let the family of that person suffer with them.
If you’ve been through it you’ll know exactly what it can be like. If you haven’t or you know you soon might be then doing what we did may help. We got a photograph of my mum before she had dementia and had it enlarged. And we hung it on the wall in her living room. It was a lovely picture. My mum was all dressed up - like she was when she thought she was going to Harry and Meghan’s wedding! And she had a beaming smile on her face. And whenever we went through ‘an awful’ moment with her, and there were many (none more so than when we were trying to clip her finger nails and her toe nails and she was kicking, hitting, screaming, biting and spitting as we tried to do it) we’d look at the photograph and think; THAT’S our mum. Not this one. This one is suffering from a cruel disease that’s making her say and do things that she wouldn’t dream of saying or doing. And she’d have been absolutely mortified if she knew that some of the things she did and said caused upset and hurt for her family. Thankfully, mum never knew that.”
Extract from Goldilocks And The Three Bare Arses…
“Looking back now - because you don’t really understand what a person is going through when you’re a young kid - it must have been really frustrating for my dad. He’d had to stop doing his job because of his epilepsy. He was a band-knife cutter in the clothing trade and he’d sliced off his thumb and severed all the tendons in his arm on the saw machine when he’d blacked out after he’d had an epileptic fit. And because of his epilepsy he was limited to what he could do for a job, and unemployment was high around that time too which made it doubly hard for him trying to find work. He couldn’t drive either because of his epilepsy, which limited him further. And he was on medication for it too. And as I’ve mentioned, he also suffered with depression and he’d tried twice to commit suicide before he eventually did it. In the end he sought solace in the booze, and once the alcohol had got a grip of him he was fucked. And it eventually fucked our relationship up and then fucked the family up too - before finally fucking him up. So much so he took his own life.
Some may find this a bit warped but I actually joke about my dad killing himself. And before I was sent to prison many years ago my probation officer said that me joking about my dad’s suicide was my way of dealing with it. She was wrong. It wasn’t. I’m just a sick cunt! And she, and a few others since, agreed I was a sick cunt when I told the story that I made up about it! One woman even threw a drink over me!
There were a load of us on holiday in Magaluf and we were chatting to this group of girls, women. One of them was a bereavement counsellor and I was telling her about my dad killing himself. I told her that I was the one that found him. I wasn’t, I just said that I was. And she said, “Oh dear. That must have been awful for you.” So I said, “Yes, it was a bit of a shock,” and said, “I remember opening the door to his flat and seeing him hanging from the lampshade with a rope around his neck wearing stockings and suspenders and a peep-hole bra with an orange in his mouth. And there was a three legged stool on the floor underneath him that he’d been balancing on that he’d sawn one of the legs off that had fallen over.” My mates started laughing but she didn’t twig that I was joking and in a stern voice she said to them, “You shouldn’t laugh. It isn’t funny.”
I then said to her, trying like fuck not to laugh, “My dad used to get his kicks out of playing risky sex games. Apparently, if you ejaculate whilst on the verge of choking it’s more intense and that’s what he’d been doing. But I was unsure if he was dead.” And she said, “Oh my god. That must have been horrific to see. What did you do? Cut the rope and get him down and phone for an ambulance?” So I said, “No. I went over to him and put the stool back under his feet, put his cock back in his hand and said to him, “Carry on wanking if you want Dad. Don’t mind me. I’ll go and make a cup of tea. Gimme a shout when you’ve finished.” She then realised I was taking the piss! And she didn’t find it funny - unlike all my mates who were laughing like fucking hyenas! And she said, “You fucking sick bastard!” And she stood up, picked up her drink and threw it all over me and stormed off!
My dad committing suicide didn’t really affect me emotionally, and on a scale of 1 – 100, where most people’s grief for a loved one who had committed suicide would be at a hundred, mine was only around three. Sad, but true. Though a pal of mine’s grief was off the scale when it happened to him.
I’ve always been of the opinion that you should “be your own man” (or woman) and if someone doesn’t like you for who or what you are then fuck ‘em! (Barry Hearn, the snooker and boxing promoter said that to me over forty years ago when I was in my teens and it stuck with me. It’s the best advice I’ve ever been given!) I used to tell my kids the same thing when they were growing up, for them to be themselves and not to worry about others. My mate Kenny used to say the same to his son Ethan and he said that he thought Ethan was of the same view too. However Ethan was putting on a front and deep down he didn’t think he was good enough for anyone. Or anything.
Ethan was my godson. He was a nice kid. And Kenny said that not for one second did he suspect that anything was wrong in Ethan’s life or that he had any problems. He was doing well at university, he’d set goals for what he wanted to achieve in his life and he was his usual happy go lucky self, seemingly without a care in the world. Then one day, for no apparent reason, he killed himself.
He was just 19.
Obviously there was a reason why Ethan took his own life but what that reason was only Ethan knew, and agonisingly for his mum and dad they’ll never know. Though one thing that Kenny thinks played a part was social media.
We live in a world that revolves around social media. People are obsessed with it, in particular teenagers. They’re glued to their phones for hours on end looking at things on Snapchat, Tik Tok, Instagram and Facebook. And most of what they look at is utter fucking shite. Then you’ve got YouTubers and Influencers - most of whom are a BAD influence. And add to that keyboard warriors, trolls, bullies, sick bastards, vindictive arseholes and spineless shitbags, Kenny may well be right saying social media contributed to Ethan taking his own life.
Some people reading this will probably think, “Stupid old fart. What does he fucking know. He needs to move with the times. Social media is part of life.” And they’re right. It is. And there are good things about it. But there are a lot of bad things about it too. And for me you can shove things like Snapchat, Instagram Tik Tok and Facebook up your fucking arse. And one thing’s for certain, if there weren’t social media platforms like those there’d be far less ‘Ethans’ and far less parents whose lives have been shattered. And far less parents would be worrying about what their kids are viewing online.”
All three books are available on Apple books. Alternatively if you don’t have an iPhone or iPad or Mac, digital copies in PDF which can be read on a mobile, laptop or tablet can be bought direct from us with PayPal / transfer, etc. Please email us for our details (See link at the bottom of the page). The books are priced at £5.99
https://books.apple.com/gb/book/everyones-got-a-story-to-tell/id6757203711
Apple link for Goldilocks And The Three Bare Arses
https://books.apple.com/gb/book/goldilocks-and-the-three-bare-arses/id6757314701
Apple link for Can You Spare A Multi Millionaire A Pound Please
https://books.apple.com/gb/book/can-you-spare-a-multi-millionaire-a-pound-please/id6757166574
Goldilocks And The Three Bare Arses: A book fit for a Prince. Or rather, an EX Prince!
Brilliant stories from Both Barrels Publishing /
Nick Fisher Books.